There’s nothing like the heartbreaking sound of hearing your infant cry. It bothers us, which is good because it compels us to respond. Infants need us to respond not only for their survival, but also so they learn to trust us to care for them and meet their needs. Often our gut instinct is to stop the crying by trying to fix the perceived problem and/or use distractions and attempt to change their feelings.
The problem with these approaches is that we are forgetting two crucial things about infants: 1. they are human beings and 2. crying is a major way they communicate with us. Babies aren’t “fussy” or “bad”, they have real needs that need to be addressed. These needs are sometimes physical and sometimes emotional. At times we understand what the infant is trying to communicate and other times we don’t. It can feel frustrating and defeating when we don’t know why our babies are crying and we can quickly feel helpless when our instinctual responses to crying aren’t “working” (aka stopping the cry). But our goal shouldn’t be just to stop the crying, it should be to understand what the infant is trying to communicate and to meet that need. Sometimes the need is something we can meet in a tangible way such as feeding a hungry baby, but a lot of times babies cry for emotional release and those needs must be met by holding space for the crying through listening and being present.
Changing our view of crying can help immensely when caring for infants since crying is a significant part of their lives. Crying is not bad. It is a healthy way to release stress and to get the attention of the caregiver. As adults we often use verbal communication to release stress from our day in the form of venting to a spouse or close friend. Others might journal or exercise to let off some steam. Babies can’t do those things and so they cry. Think about how good it feels to have a good cry and how relaxing it can be when it’s all done. We give our babies a precious gift when we allow them the opportunity to release stress in this way and give them space to cry until they are all done.
So what can we do when our precious little ones are crying and we don’t know why?
Wonder aloud about what the baby is trying to communicate (“I hear you crying. I wonder if you’re getting hungry…”)
Address any physical needs
Consider if baby is hungry/thirsty, tired, uncomfortable, in pain, ill, cold/hot, wanting to be held, wanting to lay down and move, etc…
If physical needs are ruled out, it could be an emotional need and/or stress release or it could be that your baby is overstimulated and overwhelmed. This is where it gets difficult for most adults. Responding to cries of an unknown cause requires great patience as it usually means the crying will go on for a bit, BUT, know that it is in these moments that our babies are learning that their feelings and experiences matter and that we understand their need to be heard even if we don’t understand the context of what they are saying.
We are most successful in responding with empathy and openness when we first focus our attention on our own feelings. Here are some ways we can respond to crying with a calm presence and curiosity about what the infant is communicating:
Acknowledge how the crying makes you feel.
Take some deep breaths to calm yourself down.
Find the source of any physical tension and intentionally relax your muscles.
Consider any tightness in your body: hands, shoulders, stomach, legs, jaw, etc…
Adjust the environment. Babies get overstimulated VERY easily but unfortunately the cries of a baby are often met with more stimulation (bouncing, bright lights, shaking toys, loud music etc…). Instead of turning up the stimulation when your baby cries, try turning it waaay down. Turn the lights down, turn any background noise off, take your baby into a quiet space with a blank wall space and just hold your baby or gently lay them down and be close.
Calmly and quietly talk to your baby. Wonder aloud about what could be going on (ex: “I hear you crying. I wonder what’s bothering you. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed. We had a big day today, we _____. It’s ok to cry. I’m here with you…”)
Give your baby your full attention.
Don’t feel the need to talk the whole time, just occasionally saying a few words will be enough.
It can be common for babies to cry more when they are going through a growth spurt, in the evenings or when they are overstimulated. Often after a good cry babies will seem more relaxed and ready for a nap.
Remember, crying is your baby’s way of communicating with you. This is just a season and it too shall pass. As you and your child get to know one another better, you will learn each other’s cues and preferences and you will feel more confident and comfortable in your responses. These are the moments that build strong parent-child relationships. It’s often through the challenges that you earn the most trust.
*Note: Crying can be cause for stress and frustration for parents/caregivers, especially if it is frequent and for long durations. Remember not to take the baby’s crying personally. If you find yourself getting very upset and that you might harm your child it is always ok to put your child in a safe place and step away for a few moments to calm down and possibly call for help.
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